What We Learned About Christian Communal Living

These reflections are for those interested in experimenting with Christian communal living. We have just come away from just such a project, and have a few thoughts we would like to offer you as you are preparing for a new season in your life.

Before we start: A little background. My wife and I didn’t HAVE to move in with another couple; we chose to. We had caught a vision for life in the Kingdom of God that looked radically different than just showing up for worship at a church building and occasionally putting some money in a collection plate. We knew that deep down, the Gospel was going to need to be communicated in a fresh way; a way that spoke to the American people. We knew this involved living with sustainability and sanity (not spending more on housing than one could afford, and not working like a slave just to keep an empty house spotless and well-furnished with pricey stuff), and it needed to involve a community (rather than the isolated life most Americans lead).

So here are some of our thoughts on all that, no need to rehash more than we have to:

All of my posts on Communal Living

Deciding to give the experiment a try (Moving In)

Abbey Rhythms

Leaving the Experiment
Some Reflections:

1. This is not the same as having room mates.

As if this even needs to be stated. You are partnering with others on a mission. Plain and simple. You, your spouse (if you have one), and those that choose this lifestyle must see each other as a fully-fledged CHURCH. Nothing less will do. If you don’t have a mission, you will just be super-renters or nice-house mates.

2. No one living on the property should own the property.

Speaking of renting; NO ONE involved in the communal living experiment should own the property. This is a big deal. Find someone else to finance the thing, and let all the inhabitants live as renters, or, better yet, do a co-op where everyone’s name is on the deed, so everyone is the owner. Or even better still, form a simple non-profit organization, and let the organization buy the house, that way individuals aren’t tied up in the house payments (the NPO is), and specific people of the organization can change over time.

3. Follow the ASAP Model (As SLOW as possible)

When it comes to forming spiritual rhythms, go as SLOW as possible. It is awkward at first, and I would recommend not trying anything without a good brainstorming session to get things started. Discuss expectations and desires (like in what specific ways do we want this community to be formed in Christ’s image after 6 months? a year?) for communal spiritual formation. Remember that if there is not complete consensus on what discipline to practice among everyone, eventually resentment will rear its ugly head. We never developed a “rule” (Like the Rule of Benedict, par example), and another Abbey we were in connection with waited almost 2 years before writing one. These sorts of things are very sensitive, and people’s hearts always come before “rules”.

4. Only join with people you already love hanging around.

Thankfully we had really come to care for the couple we lived with, and spending time with them alone was not difficult. If a neo-monastic, communal living arrangement is really what you are seeking, then you will be spending A LOT of time with these people, and you need to feel confident that these are people you are going to love, through thick and thin. I liken it to marriage multiplied exponentially. While you are not in a lifetime covenant relationship (like marriage) with these bros and sistas, (although if its a neo-monastic community you may very well be), you are committing yourself to each other in a deep way. In marriage you learn to die to yourself for your spouse. In communal living, you learn to die to yourself first to your spouse, as well as everyone else you’re living with. This ain’t easy.

5. Create an easy “exit” for yourself and others.

I recommend writing a simple, yet agreed upon document before ever moving in together that gives all participants a graceful exit strategy in case things get hairy or they realize this sort of lifestyle is not for them. We NEED TO REMEMBER that this is a lifestyle that is so absolutely counter to anything middle-class Christian Americans have ever encountered, and that sometimes dreams can be brighter than the realities. This sort of life is not for everyone, and we need to have an agreed upon time-limit to “test the waters”. I have heard 6 months is a good time, but you and your community must decide on this together. EVERYONE should be clear about exactly how long they are committing to live in the shared space, so there are no surprises that someone is moving out unexpectedly.

6. Married couples NEED their own private sharing space.

If you are married or are considering moving in with married couples, I recommend having a special space for you and your mate (that is NOT your bedroom) that you can call your own. A place to hang your pictures, etc. Have doors that shut tight, and that also open wide, establishing clear boundaries that will allow for healthy relationships between the occupants. A lot of communities in England (for example, Christ’s Church) and the Celtic Christians use an architecture design called “Cloisters” which give inhabitants common space, and yet their own private dwellings. See a picture of one here.

7. Involve a bigger community.

One of our healthiest and most enjoyable rhythms that we participated in was hosting larger gatherings. Our abbey happened to have a beautiful front and back yard, and we had regular parties and gatherings there. Once Saturday morning each month we opened our doors to letting friends come over to use our space for quiet reflection with the LORD, and then we served the breakfast. We also held 4th of July and Christmas parties…these events allowed other people into our relational matrix and cross pollinated ideas, not to mention gave other people a picture of how this crazy communal living thing could be done.

8. Come up with a list of individual expectations BEFORE deciding to live together.

If you are starting an abbey out of scratch, I suggest that EACH PERSON involved in the monastery plant write out the specifics on what they expect this to look like, etc BEFORE making a commitment to be a part of it. You will feel pressured to “hurry up and move in”, but don’t forget this very crucial step! It is like getting married without pre-martial counseling, or even worse, getting married without ever talking about it together! Ask each other questions to stimulate dormant expectations you may not realize you have: “Why do you want to do this?” “How will we live in this house?” “When will it start/stop?” “What are some ideas of what we could do together as a spiritual family?” “What will you NOT participate in?” “What are your pet-peeves, and what are mine?”

9. Give each other a break.

Finally, and most importantly, lay off each other! The idea of living simply, sanely, and sustainably is something very foreign to our Western minds, and just like with everything else in life, our mind’s ideal is much further ahead than our life habits or our “weaker brothers and sisters”. Hold regular times of formal confession and forgiveness. Find times for informal confession and forgiveness. People aren’t perfect, and neither will your experiment in communal living.

For those of you interested in Christian communal living, GREAT! This is a chance to take a step forward in Christ – to do something that wakes the world up and says, “Church is changing; pay attention! This is Good News!” But take it from a couple who have been through the “honeymoon stages” of it all, there are some obvious and not-so-obvious pitfalls that Satan has set up. I hope and pray God’s best for you.

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