63:16 Surely you are still our Father!

Even if Abraham and Jacob would disown us,

Lord, you would still be our Father.

You are our Redeemer from ages past.

Much of what you see in God, for better or worse, you originally got from your dad.  Even Jesus Christ, the very image of God, called the LORD his “Father” – Abba his word for “Papa.”  This kind of intimacy was scandalous in Jesus’ day – but as one who’s earthly dad was suspiciously absent, Jesus understood that God was to be his father now.

Were was Jesus’ dad, Joseph?  After such a display of faith at Jesus’ conception and birth, he is never mentioned as Jesus enters adulthood.  Was he killed in a masonry accident?  Could he have abandoned the family?  Whatever the case, he was not there when Jesus was at his most crucial moments (his baptism, his temptations in the desert, his crucifixion…the list goes on and on.)

A young man wants a mentor, a father to show him the way – to point out the path he should go in this life.  But truth be told, we have a lot of men in this world, and in the church who’d rather wallow in isolation, immaturity or passivity; and refuse the gift of fatherhood they’ve been given by God.

Jesus only did what he saw his Father doing, and even with the absence of his earthly dad, he moved beyond the earthly example of fatherhood and pursued intimacy, and mentoring from his heavenly Father.

Papa God wants this for each of his children – for you and me.  In an age where fatherhood has lost the vitality and the adventure and the abiding love it must have to create healthy, maturing people – God is ready to offer you that kind of relationship.

Being disowned by your earthly father is not the end. Let it be what propels you into the arms of Papa God who is ready to train you as his son or daughter.

What does being ‘fathered by God’ look like?

You will be given his characteristics!

First off, you may have to learn God’s capability to forgive - starting with your earthly father. He is still fighting through things himself, and will need your forgiveness.  But after that, only God knows where he’ll take you.  One thing is for sure – you will be given increasing maturity and capacity that only God has to handle the inevitable wounds of life, and the attacks of the Evil One.  You will charge out with God on mission – you will be given a new name, a new identity – sons and daughters of the King!

All this – through God’s grace.  Thank you, Father.

While that is staggering, consider even still the number of marriages that might stick together but “go cold” either through slow neglect or compromise.

A recent report in the NY Times suggested that marriage is understood primarily as a way of advancing yourself and your image, using your spouse to take you to new heights.  Whether this is conscious or not, this expert says that you get married to advance your own social network, to arrange a healthier outlook on things, to make you a better person, to rally up the ladder of your own life.  According to this study, marriage is the greatest “career move” you could make for life.

But I believe that just accelerates the problem we’re seeing with crumbling marriages.  When we marry “for ourselves” – we will toss him out when the next guy comes along with a better set of friends, or dresses better, or… the list goes on and on.  Sure, maybe at the beginning you are attracted to a gal because of how she makes you feel about yourself, the way she interacts with others, and so on – but if it remains what I can get out of this relationship – how I can advance myself… the marriage is doomed from the start.

Maturity in marriage is learning to submit your own desire, and to live for the desires of the other. I am continually amazed at my wife’s ability to do this.  ”Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ,” is the verse that begins the discussion in Ephesians on the mission of husbands and wives in marriage – Paul asks wives to submit to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ, and husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church.  Men and women have different roles in a relationship, and there is order to the family structure.

But look again, what does submission and Christ-like love have in common?  Laying your own life down for the sake of the other.

This is how marriages truly last - true and mutual submission. Not in the “lock-jaw” do-it-and-shut-up-about-it kind of submission, I’m talking about the joy-filled desire to see the other person advance as far as she can go – and cheering them on in every way possible.  When both parties do that, both are depositing trust into the relationship, rather than scavenging each other’s social brownie-points for sake of their own “self-expansion.”

Isaiah hears God describe his passionate love for Israel, as a “young love” in passionate desire for the other.  Even after all that Israel had done to betray God’s trust, he is completely consumed with love for them.  But God has a matured, seasoned love for his people too – one that goes beyond just the “me-marriages” we’re reading about in today’s papers; it is a love he is willing to do anything for – to see them advance, rather than just getting what he wants out of the relationship.  This is what “steadfast love” looks like – to lay down what you’re hoping to get out of the relationship – and pursuing the other person as the central object of your affections…

1) You’re a human being. A real, living, breathing human being.
2) You are listening to God on a regular basis (as close to daily as possible). Note: We unpack this at length in MONO.

We know that mutual self-disclosure is the pathway to intimacy with God and with one another. SASHET is a tool that allows for mutual self-disclosure and opens a door for companions to connect with the Lord together.

What is SASHET?

It’s simple enough – you check-in with your partner by choosing one or more emotions from this listing (Sad – Angry – Scared – Happy – Excited – Tender), share them with your partner, elaborate to the degree that you would like and declare “I’m in.” Kids can do it, too. The power comes from sustainably practicing this tool daily – or even multiple times a day.

To take it a step further – Ask one another what you’ve been hearing from the Lord today. Sometimes our feelings contain hints of God’s promptings.

Basic Guidelines for SASHET

You may:

Focus on listening to the other person well.
Ask clarifying questions.
Choose one or many emotions (even if they seem in conflict)!
Choose to limit your verbal response simply to “I hear you.”
Limit and/or discern what you would like to share.
Share extensively, if you would like.
Practice SASHET in a pairing or in a larger group setting.

You may not:

Give advice or try to fix the other person.
Interrupt (this includes interrupting to pray).
Tell stories about your similar personal experiences.
Use qualifiers: “I’m a little sad…” or “I’m sort of angry…” (Instead try: “I’m checking in as scared.”)

FAQ

Why SASHET?
SASHET sets up a regular platform for us to practice compassionate listening and to be heard. In his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldridge writes about this as “a desire to watch over one another’s hearts.” Once we have been truly heard, we can quiet ourselves in a way that allows God to speak with us. We are able to quiet ourselves and truly listen to our family and friends. Even more profoundly, we are God’s hands and feet – and ears. By listening to one another, we illustrate the presence of God-with-Us.

What do you mean by Tender?
Tender is a feeling of compassion, deep empathy or sympathy for another person. (i.e. I’m feeling tender for Kate because she is alone in this job transition…)

Why daily?
We encourage each other daily because distractions come in like a drip. (See Hebrews 3). Distractions are small, so they go under the radar, but they are dangerous and additive in nature. What’s brilliant: Loving one another also looks like a drip. We must intentionally love one another – until our little “love drips” form an ocean of love. Through practicing the verb of love -by listening to God and one another- we can support one another really well. Over time, our values and daily practices become braided together. God weaves His heart into our heart and our hearts are woven into God’s heart.

Why talk about emotions?
When God’s Word tells us to love God with all our “heart, soul and mind” (Matthew 22:37), that includes our whole self. The heart is your eyes for seeing spiritual reality (Ecclesiastes 11:9). Literally, the heart is the “eyes and ears that know God.” The soul, where the feelings are, and the mind, where the thinking takes place, combine with the heart to shape our spiritual reality. Those with higher degrees of education have a tendency to find the elevation of the mind to be a place of comfort. We are not asking you to disregard critical thinking or thoughtfulness. We are asking you to attend (and to allow another to attend), not only to your mind, but also to your soul and heart. Talking about your emotions, describing the soul, allows the whole mind to descend into the heart. Under these conditions, we can listen to the Lord and do what he says. This is vital for maturity and developing our joy-strength.

What if I don’t know why I’m feeling a certain way?
No worries – it’s okay. You are not required to elaborate on your feelings. You may want to verbalize that you don’t know why you are feeling a particular emotion. Your transparency will most likely encourage others.

Why pairs?
We dig into this at length in the MICRO course. Simply put: Jesus set us up for pairings (watch how he calls and sends the disciples… in pairs!), plus your brain works far better in community. Remember that a shared sorrow is half a sorrow, and a shared joy is doubled joy.

Can we practice SASHET over the phone?
Absolutely. Remember, the key is sharing together daily. While being face-to-face with your partner(s) remains ideal, sometimes the phone is the best solution for a season or two. If it’s feasible, you may want to set apart a chunk of time to see each other in the flesh (i.e. plan a retreat, grab a meal together, meet at a conference, etc.)!

Many thanks to Kent Smith, Tod Brown and John White for introducing us to this transformative tool!

What questions need to be added here?