True Love, Mutual Submission
According to recent studies and the current trajectory, most marriages beginning in this decade will only have a 10% chance of lifelong commitment. Â In other words, 90% of today’s marriages will end in divorce.
While that is staggering, consider even still the number of marriages that might stick together but “go cold” either through slow neglect or compromise.
A recent report in the NY Times suggested that marriage is understood primarily as a way of advancing yourself and your image, using your spouse to take you to new heights. Â Whether this is conscious or not, this expert says that you get married to advance your own social network, to arrange a healthier outlook on things, to make you a better person, to rally up the ladder of your own life. Â According to this study, marriage is the greatest “career move” you could make for life.
But I believe that just accelerates the problem we’re seeing with crumbling marriages. Â When we marry “for ourselves” – we will toss him out when the next guy comes along with a better set of friends, or dresses better, or… the list goes on and on. Â Sure, maybe at the beginning you are attracted to a gal because of how she makes you feel about yourself, the way she interacts with others, and so on – but if it remains what I can get out of this relationship – how I can advance myself… the marriage is doomed from the start.
Maturity in marriage is learning to submit your own desire, and to live for the desires of the other. I am continually amazed at my wife’s ability to do this.  ”Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ,” is the verse that begins the discussion in Ephesians on the mission of husbands and wives in marriage – Paul asks wives to submit to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ, and husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church.  Men and women have different roles in a relationship, and there is order to the family structure.
But look again, what does submission and Christ-like love have in common? Â Laying your own life down for the sake of the other.
This is how marriages truly last - true and mutual submission. Not in the “lock-jaw” do-it-and-shut-up-about-it kind of submission, I’m talking about the joy-filled desire to see the other person advance as far as she can go – and cheering them on in every way possible. Â When both parties do that, both are depositing trust into the relationship, rather than scavenging each other’s social brownie-points for sake of their own “self-expansion.”
Isaiah hears God describe his passionate love for Israel, as a “young love” in passionate desire for the other. Â Even after all that Israel had done to betray God’s trust, he is completely consumed with love for them. Â But God has a matured, seasoned love for his people too – one that goes beyond just the “me-marriages” we’re reading about in today’s papers; it is a love he is willing to do anything for – to see them advance, rather than just getting what he wants out of the relationship. Â This is what “steadfast love” looks like – to lay down what you’re hoping to get out of the relationship – and pursuing the other person as the central object of your affections…
Sherry 5:03 pm on January 18, 2011 Permalink
I like the picture you chose for this article. It can be seen either way (good or bad) depending on your perspective. They look happy to me. Like they just received a great piece of news and they are about to jump up and shout HOORAY! What do you see? Maybe both sides of the coin.
Katrina 4:08 pm on January 19, 2011 Permalink
Sherry – good observations! I didn’t see that in the picture until you pointed that out! Interesting.
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I posted this on FB, but I wanted to link to the post itself…
This whole focus on divorce stats and failure in marriage is so one sided. Each time I read an article like this, I feel sad because it’s teaching so many a way of life that perpetuates sadness, moodiness and angry living. Th…is idea that one “uses” another to “climb” some power/social ladders is such a distortion of the beautiful circular benefits inherit in relationship.
Let’s face it: healthy marriage is mutually beneficial.
Marriage is like a generator – you build one another up in love, and it generates an overflow of love. It’s not an institution of self-centered manipulation. I wonder how many quiet, loving, long-term marriages there are for each crazy divorce-stat laden article in the NY Times…
Someone needs to tell the other side of this story… and tell it often.